Best-Case Scenarios | 1, 2, 3

You find a lost Rembrandt at a yard sale

At the yard sale you had a choice between buying the Dogs Playing Poker print or the Funny Painting of The Old Wrinkly Guy. Something in the back of your mind told you to get the latter. When you took it home, you thought about cleaning it up with a little Pledge, but if there's one thing you've learned from those fabulous Keno twins on The Antiquess Road Show it's that "Dirt is good." (In the antique world they call it "Patina" which is a fancy Latin word meaning "Grime.")

It turns out that you're the proud owner of a missing portrait by the famous Dutch painter Rembrandt. He was fond of painting himself, even when he got old and goofy looking, and had a weird bulbous nose and funky long hairs growing out of his chin. In the art world this sort of narcissist work is called self-portrait. And it's worth at least thirty million dollars at auction. How the old lady at the yard sale came into possession of it will remain a mystery forever, and the reason it will remain a mystery forever is because you'd have to be an idiot to go back there asking questions. Just assume she and her husband were escaped Nazis, if that makes you feel less guilty.

First of all, don't hang your Rembrandt in the living room. The original gilt frame will make the work quite heavy. Unless you hit a stud with that picture hanger nail, it might just fall off the wall. It's best to just take your valuable work of art and lock it in the spare bedroom. Don't even look at it. It's worth too much money.

The next thing you have to do is call up Sotheby's, the great auction house in New York. If you tell them that you have a "Funny Painting of An Old Wrinkly Guy" that you bought at a yard sale that still has its "good dirt" they'll probably hang up the phone. Rather you must say "I've recently discovered a missing Rembrandt self-portrait at an estate sale. The patina on the canvas and frame lead me to believe it is an original and not a fake. Shall I send you a photograph of the work?" Most likely they will send somebody to your house to appraise the work within twenty four hours. In the meantime take out an extra insurance policy.