Best-Case Scenarios | 1, 2, 3

You win the Nobel Prize

Accepting a Nobel Peace Prize is serious business. You must have done something really spectacular for humanity to get this prestigious award, so don't embarrass yourself. First of all Alfred Nobel--for whom the prize is named after--was a Swede. The award, however, is given in Oslo, Norway. The Scandinavian peninsula can be very confusing for Americans, so just remember this simple rule: Sweden is on the right, Norway is on the left.

Norwegians are an earnest, thoughtful people who find most Americans--even Nobel Prize winning scientists, writers and humanitarians--to be a bit vulgar. First off, don't tell the press that you're going to use your million dollars in prize money to build a new swimming pool. They've chosen you after a very long and grueling process of elimination. Keep your hot tub and platinum Rolex plans a secret. Rather mention how you've always wanted to own a SAAB convertible and how you might just treat yourself to one of the world's greatest cars, manufactured right there in Scandinavia.

When you get to Oslo (remember, Norway is on the left) avoid all cocktail parties sponsored by the Prize committee. Norwegians can hold their liquor far better than Americans, and while your giggling about how difficult it is to pronounce their "funny" language they'll be staring at you with the cold, murderous eyes of their Viking ancestors. A better idea is to visit the National Gallery or the Kon-Tiki Museum where you will most likely stay out of trouble. Remember not to touch anything, however, just like in an American museum. Thor Heyerdahl's raft is made of balsa wood and is very fragile.

When making your acceptance speech it is important to appear modest. The following words should be inserted into your address: graciously, thankful, indebted, grateful. Do not use the words "wow" or "cool" although these will be on the tip of your tongue.

Do not try to wear your medal onto the plane because it will set off the alarms at the security checkpoint. Rather keep it safely in the smart satin covered box that comes with it. When you get back home you may wear the medal around your neck, to the grocery store, the Blockbuster, the car wash, etc.; and especially when you go to the cocktail party sponsored by the faculty of your university/lab/r&d facility. Amongst your envious colleagues you will feel like a Roman general who has come home from war with the Gauls to be crowned with laurel. When they ask you about the medal rattle off the following: "It was designed by Gunvor Svensson-Lundqvist. Those funny words on the inscription are Latin. It's solid gold." Do not let them try it on.

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