F YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED A FEAR MONGER, don't make an ad that says America is being attacked by wolves. Yes, it's true, the only thing that stands between us and packs of carnivores eating us alive is a retarded cowboy, his heart-diseased sidekick and their lesbian daughter, Butch. Now, this advertisement is an insult to wolves everywhere. And if wolves could respond, here's what they'd say:

Now, as a member of the Wolf Political Action Committee, or Wolf PAC, I'm outraged at this vicious slur against lupine Americans. Let me say this as plainly as I can: the only thing I have in common with Osama bin Laden is that we're both running free. Also, I happen to know that three of the wolves in that ad are backing Kerry. They just needed the work. Wolf actors have to take any part that comes along. We're like midgets that way.

But the thing that really has my teats in a wringer -- is that George Bush's propaganda machine has done more harm to the image of wolves than anything since that bitch, Little Red Riding Hood. And this from a president who spends every free moment on his "ranch" clearing brush. You call it brush, I call it my habitat. The man's hobby is deforestation.

And by the way, if there's not livestock on the property - and believe me, I've checked -- it's not a ranch. What I'm saying is that President Bush has quietly built up the worst environmental record of any president since Andrew Jackson stopped killing Indians by hand!

Look at the air we breathe. I mean, look at it! I wanted to howl at the moon last night. I just couldn't see it! This wolf has been working the mountains. Of course, he's a wolf. The terrorists I worry about work for the Department of the Interior. President Bush, or as our Indian friends call him, "Dances Around the Facts," President Bush speaks constantly about how he's the guy to protect us. But what about protecting us from what's actually killing people right here, right now?

I don't know how the environment got to be the lost issue of the 2004 election, but may I suggest on Tuesday, instead of voting your pocketbooks, vote your lungs; vote your kidneys. Vote your gall bladder. Vote for the organs that are going to have to process all the toxic shit that is in the sky, the ground water, the food supply and the pharmacy. Vote your grandkids' DNA. Vote for a president who won't hand the job of protecting the environment over to former oil and lumber executives because when you get right down to it, that would be like asking me to keep an eye on your sheep.

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