OU CAN'T CLAIM YOU'RE FOR PEACE unless you're willing to disturb it. Now, at the Republican Convention next week, New York City is attempting to buy off potential angry war protesters by giving them discounts on restaurants and Broadway shows in exchange for a pledge not to all congregate in one place, and keep the noise down. You know, like it's a high school band trip. "What do we want? Peace! When do we want it? Now!" But we'll settle for dinner for two at Red Lobster.

You know what? I want to see some real protests next week, the kind I watched as a kid on TV from the Democratic Convention in Chicago in '68. I want to see this guy. [makes face and flips finger at camera] Remember that guy?

I mean, isn't that the least we, as citizens, can do? Isn't this one of those moments when democracy needs to show it's not afraid to be in the streets? Because you know who has peaceful, planned demonstrations? Totalitarian states with no civil liberties like North Korea and Disneyland.

Therefore, tonight, I am urging all the protesters in New York next week to riot! I'm talking about good old-fashioned rioting, the kind that made whitey move to the suburbs. Look, protester, you spent two weeks making that papier-mâché Dick Cheney mask. Now light it on fire and torch the nearest GAP store. Two lesbians with a "Lick Bush" sign is not going to make the "Nightly News." Pick up a garbage can and throw it through a Starbucks window! I don't want to see a candlelight vigil. This is New York; there's a body count at Simon and Garfunkel concerts.

If anything with Trump written on it is standing after September 3rd, you're a bunch of pussies who aren't worth the hemp in your Timberland shoes.

I want to see cab drivers so nervous they stop picking up the white people. We're Americans, damn it! We burn cars over basketball games. Let's make some noise. Let's kick some ass. If I want to turn on the TV and see nothing, I'll keep watching the Olympics.

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