ATCHING THE GRAMMYS always makes me queasy. This group gave those faux singers Milli Vanilli a statue a few years back, remember? But like a car wreck, I just can’t seem to turn away, so I return year after year, hoping for the best. And like the NBA, getting the worst...

Where do I begin? Obviously, Ray Charles is a giant of music. But 8 awards? The Grams always love ya when you die. Or your child dies in a horrible, tragic accident (Eric Clapton). I’m sure Ray would have enjoyed a bit more attention when he was actually around to attend and accept one in person. Alicia Keys? Yes, she can sing. Yes, she’s photogenic. But I defy you to be able to remember any of her songs 30 seconds after it’s ended. Maroon 5? Easy, stomach! These guys make someone like Counting Crows look like the Beatles. Yes, they’ve sold 8 million records to lonely college girls and housewives, or people who can’t spell Stax/Volt. So let’s change the name of the award to “Best Selling New Artist With The Blandest, Most Commercial Sound That Propped Up The Lame Music Industry For Another Year”. And then also give Joss Stone the BNA trophy. And don’t forget, the Best New Artist award does tend to send your career into a downward spiral (Tracy Chapman or Evanescence, anyone?), so we will soon be able to bid the Marooners a fond adieu...

And speaking of bland and lame, how about John Mayer? Oops, there goes my lunch all over the carpet. “Daughters” as Song of The Year? Best Pop Vocal Performance? Please! This guy is soooo boring and soporific that I’m surprised anybody stayed awake long enough to listen to this excruciating piece of dross. Even John himself dissed his own song. My only comfort is that long after Mr. Mayer is completely sick of singing it, he’s still gonna have to do it! Over and over and over...

The less said about J Lo and Mr. J Lo, the better. Usher, however, surprised me by doing a great job with James Brown on the stupendous “Sex Machine”. Usher, get rid of the 26 people that “write” your songs and get JB to crank out your next LP...

And the endless, self-congratulatory harangue near the end of the telecast from the head of the organization should have been relegated to the pre-show, since the Grams see fit to hand out 90% of their awards there instead of during the telecast. No, they can’t hand out all 12,000 awards during the TV part, but if that guy got snipped, you could easily hand out, oh, another 10 statues I bet. I guess Lemmy’s wart on his face would prompt too many complaints to the FCC...

Well, at least Motorhead (Lemmy’s still-got-it metal band) won. So, on that note, see ya next year...

G 2 the G

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