ERE WE GO AGAIN. It's that time of the year for overeating, visiting crowded stores, and suffering a glut of new releases from your friendly music industry. I'm sorry, did I say "NEW?" We shall see, dear reader, that if there's anything the industry loves to do, it's to sell you something you already own, again. And again. And again!

First, the good news: there are things that come out during the holidays that are useful and well worth your hard-earned dollars. Greatest Hits/Singles Collection-type CD's from Sheryl Crow and No Doubt are great for old fans of these artists, and work well as gifts that you might want to give to someone who may not be familiar with their work. But swimming right alongside them are bogus groups like A Flock of Seagulls and Counting Crows. No, that's not a misprint! Want more? How about the hair-metal lunkheads, Poison? Yup, they got a Greatest Hits too! Or well-past-their-prime-so-why-are-they-still-here pop eliteists REM? Yeah, they're flogging their Greatest Crap too. Of course our buddy GMC (Giant Music Conglomerate) wants to let you know that they're not just recyling stuff that you already own; they've included a whole TWO BONUS TRACKS, or ONE BRAND NEW SONG along with all of your faves. Whew! The blood, sweat, and tears it must have taken for GMC to sacrifice their bottom line so that you, the fans, get exactly what's coming to you! And, because of the DELUXE EDITION packaging, GMC will only charge an extra dollar or two because it's Xmas! HO HO HO!!!!

Let's stop kidding around and get down to brass tacks. Here's some samples of stickers on these discs that are supposed to entice you to scoop 'em up:

FIRST EVER 2 CD SET!!! (Huh? Oh, I guess if it's 2 CD's, it's gotta be better than that crappy old 1 CD that I have with all of the same songs that are on the 2 CD set....)

AS SEEN ON TV! (Well, Thank God!! If it's on TV, it must be good -- 'cause everything on TV is good [no it's not---but that's a whole other column]...)

CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION COLLECTION !! (Ok, so I made that one up, but I know that some of these are just that...)

LIMITED EDITION!! (Don't worry, if you buy this in significant quantities, I'm sure we can "find" a few more laying around the warehouse for next year...)

And now, the award for the WORST HOLIDAY RELEASE!!!!!! The competition was tough, but here we go! And remember, just being nominated is an honor...

Third Runner-Up (Tie) -- The Jethro Tull and Ashanti Xmas CD's -- Are you kidding! The idea of a Jethro Tull Christmas disc is so ludicrous that words fail me; at least Ashanti had a hot summer release and is pretty darn cute in her Santa costume on the cover. But having her chirp Silent Night is not putting me in a holiday frame of mind. P.S. The less said about the Whitney Houston Xmas disc, the better; too easy a target, non?

Second Runner-Up -- American Idol Christmas -- The kings and queens of schmaltz bring their unsurpassed schlockiness to all your overplayed Xmas faves. Result? Boredom that may never be equaled...

AND THE WINNER IS...Michael Jackson Number Ones -- Sure to be a hit in NAMBLA stockings everywhere. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???? Hey, Mom...Don't forget to pick up a copy of Michael Jackson's new CD for Uncle Fred...He's getting out of jail soon, isn't he????

Sorry I'm a little late in posting this edition in time to save you readers from purchasing any of these items I've mentioned, but don't worry; they don't ask for receipts if you return them on December 26^th. And I'd like to meet the clerk who would hassle anybody about returning the Jackson disc...

G2 the G

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